He’s Your Son, Not Your Man: A Momma’s Confession (Part 3)
Part Three…The final Chapter! A Momma’s Confession
“My first son was born when I was still a teenager (late teens, but a teenager nonetheless). So, I have spent my entire adult life as a mother. I have three sons in total and they are all the loves of my life. The love I have for them is like no other love I have ever felt and I doubt anything will top it.
They were each my greatest obsession from the first second we met and I am still obsessed with them. They are their Mama’s Boys, which makes my heart swell up with pride. And, in my mind, they love it! While I can’t tell you the inner workings of every mama’s boy, I will share with you how my three mama’s boys came to be.
Imagine loving someone so much that you absolutely refuse to let anything negative happen to them. You become their sole source of safety. They know that no matter what happens throughout the day, no matter what this big, bad world throws at them, you will always go to bed thinking they are the greatest thing on the planet. They know this because you are constantly telling them so every day. They have no concept of being ‘less than’ or ‘not enough’ because their mama told them they are the best baby in the whole world, from the time they were born until last night, and she’ll probably continue to do so because she genuinely believes that about them.
They are well aware that there is one woman in this world who will always be there for them, no matter what, for whatever reason. She will even square off with their dad (who, by the way, played an equal part in creating them) especially if he attempts to steer them in the direction of the reality of the simply human, as opposed to her world where they are actually super human. They learn at an early age that there is a certain look, sound in his voice, or mood divulging posture that will cause his mama to go into overdrive to make sure her baby is happy, feeling no pain, content and cozy. They know that nothing makes her happier than seeing her baby boy smile, laugh, dance, play and be generally carefree. The boys love this feeling. They love being doted on in this manner and it becomes a part of their lifethat they are unable to live without, making them challenging mama’s boys when the dating and marrying years come around. It takes a very special woman to tame and conquer the mama’s boy, because he’s already lived with the woman who will worship him like no other.
You may be wondering why anyone would want to be the mama of a mama’s boy.Why the hell did she do it? Let me share the process with you now.
We have already established the depth of mama’s love for her boys. That love is probably the only love that really is blind. She is unable to see that her son(s) is a mere mortal who needs to know how to deal with the challenges in life as they come about. Instead, she will shield him from even know what those challenges are. For instance, she will always cook for him, bring his plate to him, wash his dishes for him, do his laundry, clean his room, drive him wherever he needs to go, shine his shoes, listen to him and his friends tell their crazy stories, smooth his eyebrows, enlist the assistance of her network to help him with his education, career and other life goals. All of this is being done for him on a daily basis, well into his adulthood, with subtle references to “this being the kind of treatment he should expect from any woman who claims to care about him.” With any luck, he will begin to believe that anything less is simply not good enough—you will have to be at least on the same level as his mother in order to keep his attention or be deemed worthy of his time, attention and affection. And if you, as a woman, decide that you are not going to do all that his mama has done for him, he has been trained to quickly discard you, not to settle for anything less. Mama likes that because she wants, expects and demands that her baby be well taken care of once he leaves the nest. While every mom and man wants this, the mama’s boy knows that he can always go back to mama to be pampered, nurtured and unconditionally loved. So the bar is set impossibly high for any other woman who comes into his life.
Now, as a mama, I did this to make sure that my sons make the best possible choice when seeking a life partner. As a woman, I know that women can be manipulative, calculating and controlling. Many men confuse this behavior with love. Mama’s boys recognize these women a lot sooner than other men, and they refuse to be dealt with in that manner Mama’s boys share everything with their mama, making it difficult for any women to trick or trap him—she’s watching you from day one, because he’ll tell Mama about you immediately and will continue to seek the advice and approval of his mama throughout all of his relationships. Mama likes this very much!
I made a conscious decision to “Mama’s Boy” my kids so that they will always know that Mama is their “safe place” and they never have to settle for anything less from anyone. Whoever ends up being their life partner will surely need to understand that. And when that person comes along, I will feel like my job has been well done.
Secret tip: Mamas like me don’t ever date mama’s boys. We can spot them a mile away and are too busy taking care of our own boys to take care of anyone else’s. That’s the irony of this entire process. The only mama’s boys that we actually like are our own!”
Are you this MOM? What Can You Do?
- Be there for him as a MOTHER.
- Release control: You can educate and guide them, but there comes a time where you have to trust that you raised him well enough to make his own decisions. You can’t control his destiny.
- Respect him! Of course, chores are meaningful roles for all children, but just remember is not your servant AND you are not his.
- Be open to his needs
- Discuss family issues and problems
- Listen to him
- If there is no male role model around for your son, find one for him so that he can gain some insight on how to be a man, since there is only so much Mommy can teach him. (One of the letter’s from our readers was a complaint about Daddy’s not being around enough to help raise their children. He is a married man with two kids and said he’s in the park with his kids and never sees any Daddies! Unfortunately, many mother’s don’t have much control of what happened with Dad, but it’s a good point.) What do you think?
Here’s a good article with more info and some recommended books. It shares more tips on how to deal with the emotional side of a relationship when dealing with a Momma’s Boy.
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